Every Little Thing He Does

My paranoia has been really bad the last couple months. I'm convinced that everything my partner says is a lie. Even the smallest thing, I freak out and think that things are going on behind my back. And it doesn't stop there. I investigate until I can prove to myself that he isn't actually lying to me. When I can't, I just can't let it go. It gets to me until I blow up at him, which of course leads to a fight about self-confidence and jealousy. I don't mean to. Until recently I couldn't even see myself doing it, but now I feel it coming and I know that I'm not strong enough to fight it off. So I stare out the window and see which direction he comes from. Because if he comes from the other direction, well, he wasn't where he said, was he? If the phone rings and it isn't a phone number I know, I google it, I reverse look up on five different phone number sites. When I get a name (and it's female), I research the name. I go on Facebook to see who it is. It's usually a wrong number.

I've been really short-tempered with him lately too and I can feel it starting to take its toll. I mean, he's still with me and he's put up with a lot. I get mad when he spills something or drops something, as if it's his fault. It's really stupid but I have a hard time just letting things go now and it's starting to get a bit scary.

I won't get into my jealousy issues now, because I know there will be plenty of those posts later on.