Walking out the Door

I'm pretty nervous about getting a phone call from the job I applied to yesterday. I'm trying to talk myself out of doing what I always do: ignore the phone when it rings when I see that it's a potential employer. Why do I do this? I know that having a job would be a good thing for me, and maybe even help me with all my weird ass problems, but........I'm still nervous about it. Part of me is hoping that they don't call. What is wrong with me for not wanting a steady income and stability?

I've been thinking of going to the doctor's and asking for meds to help with the anxiety, but I don't want to become dependent on them like some people. I don't like pills. Three years ago I was put on Effexor and it turned me into a zombie where all I did was stare at the TV and ignore everything. It didn't help me, if anything, it heightened everything that was wrong.

There's also the fact that I don't want to change certain things about myself, like some meds can do. I have a healthy, normal sex drive and I don't want the meds to zap that. I don't want it to trigger other possible weird side effects, because clearly I have enough of those without medication as it is.

Maybe instead of being like all of America, I should set myself a goal for every day to reach in hopes of getting over..things. Sometimes I find it really hard to walk out the door for the most mundane things. I put so much hype on it that when I go to take a step out the door I turn back around and come inside. Sometimes I make it down the stairs and across the parking lot and have to come back inside. Maybe I should just force myself to do these things once a day, even if I feel like I'm going to be sick. Even if I feel like I can't do it.